If your ass is a Chinese restaurant I'll have the poo-poo platter
  My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class
  Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
  I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too
  Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?
  I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks
  Chicks dig guys that are
  Queer guys that don't dig
  Chicks that don't dig guys like me
  See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
  But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be
  Incognito as gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony
  Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
  But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
  Scoring with a super model would be easy
  Cause 'super model' means voluptuous but is also is synonomous with 'super dumb'
  Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become
  That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
  No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear
  I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
  Chicks dig guys that are
  Queer guys that don't dig
  Chicks that don't dig guys like me
  See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
  Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes
  The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
  See I'm not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
  No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen
  I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
    Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
  Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he talks like this
  And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
  And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
  I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
  Chicks dig guys that are
  Queer guys that don't dig
  Chicks dig guys that are
  Queer guys that don't dig
  Chicks dig guys that are
  Queer guys that don't dig
  Chicks that don't dig guys like me
  See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
  And I don't shave my heiny
  Don't shave my heiny
  See I'm not queer I'm too ugly