When I was a young man
  I didn't like to dance
  I was shy
  I'd stand against the wall all night
  I'd never take a chance
  So afraid
  I wouldn't get on that dance floor
  Unless I was really drunk
  10 shots
    But I found a place where the stars hang out
  And they taught me how to funk
  Real nasty
  It ain't too far away
  It's just on the edge of town
  Nearby
  But be ready when you get there
  'Cause these folks don't fuck around
    You can
  Rub your belly with Liza Minelli
  Covered in jelly, you're gonna rub your belly
  Jiggle your droopy balls with singin' Lou Rawis
  Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls
  Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS
  Lick your lips
  Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen
  It's fucking obscense
  Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White
  You'll see the light when your sphincter's tight
    If you don't know how to move
  Just feel the groove
  And dance
  Like you just shit your pants
    Spin like a little girl
  With cross-dressing Milton Berle
  Just give it a whirl, pretend you're a little girl
  Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino
  Wave your weeno, even more obsceno
  Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink
  Piss in the sink
  Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif
  What a relief
  Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel
  Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell
    Then spew all over the room
  With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum
  And dance
  Like you just shit your pants
    Mr. Belvedere
  Fatty Fatty
  Finger in his own rear
  Bernard King
  Basketball, basketball
  Showing off his ding-a-ling
  Swimming Mark Spitz
  Moustache, moustache
  Playing with his hairy tits
    Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver
  Both of them got the boogie fever
  Shit your pants
  You can
  Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell
  Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle
  Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass
  Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass
  Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore
  Pump it sore
  Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple
  Drink some Ripple
  Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback
  When you give it a whack, don't hurt the nut-sack
    So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down
  Come to the funkiest place in town
  The stars will show you how to move
  And dance
  Like you just shit your pants