And if one day I should become
  A singer with a Spanish bum
  Who sings for women of great virtue
  I’d sing to them with a guitar
  I borrowed from a coffee bar
  Well, what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you
  My name would be Antonio
  And all my bridges I would burn
  And when I gave them some they’d know
  I’d expect something in return
  I’d have to get drunk every night
  And talk about virility
  With some old grandmother
  That might be decked out like a Christmas tree
  And no pink elephant I’d see
  Though I’d be drunk as I could be
  Still I would sing my song to me
  About the time they called me “Jacky”
  
  If I could be for only an hour
  If I could be for an hour every day
  If I could be for just one little hour
  Cute in a stupid ass way
  
  And if I joined the social whirl
  Became procurer of young girls
  Then I could have my own bordellos
  My record would be number one
  And I’d sell records by the ton
  All sung by many other fellows
  My name would then be handsome Jack
  And I’d sell boats of opium
  Whisky that came from Twickenham
  Authentic queens and phoney virgins
  I’d have a bank on every finger
  A finger in every country
  And every country ruled by me
  I’d still know where I’d wanna be
  Locked up inside my opium den
  Surrounded by some China men
  I’d sing the song that I sang then
  About the time they called me “Jacky”
  
  If I could be…
  
  Now, tell me wouldn’t it be nice
  That if one day in paradise
  I’d sing for all the ladies up there
  And they would sing along with me
  And we’d be so happy there to be
  Cause down below is really nowhere
  My name would then be “Jupiter”
  Then I would know where I was going
  Become all knowing
  My beard so very long and flowing
  If I could play deaf, dumb and blind
  Because I pitied all mankind
  And broke my heart to make things right
  I know that every single night
  When my angelic work was through
  The angels and the devil, too
  Could sing my childhood song to me
  About the time they called me “Jacky”
  
  If I could be…